The Silver Lining

i was adopted when i was two years old. i bounced around from foster home to foster home until i was adopted. with that being said, i was placed in many, many arms and surrounded by lots of consistently new faces. my [adopted] mother told me that as a young child we would take walks in the park after dinner, and as i would skip ahead i would always make sure to look back at her and my father in order to make sure they were still there….to make sure it was still them and not someone new. when she told me that, it broke my heart. not because it held so much truth, but because i still do that to this day. i still have to reaffirm after every couple of feet that the same person is still behind me. to be honest, i’m so afraid that one day i’ll look back at someone to find it was not at all the person i had just seen or expected. to in some way be traded off again. 

from my white patent leather shoes, to the present. some old habits have a way of sticking around.

Sometimes I feel that in order to get everything right, you have to do a lot of wrong. To me, beauty isn’t something superficial. A beautiful person is made from a great, unmatchable story. Life, and what people go through, is what makes them beautiful. Scars are empowering, they are not to be covered or concealed. They are to be exposed; revealed in a way that screams out to others that yes, you may have been wounded, but you were not conquered. Being wrong (no matter how consistently) does not make you or anyone else inferior, ‘tis a grandeur blessing. 

“I’ve been beaten down… I’ve been kicked around…. but he takes it all for me. When I lost my faith, in my darkest days, he makes me want to believe”

”It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that, maybe I didn’t have to plan anymore because it felt like I was actually living, and for once in my life I wouldn’t have to work so hard at being happy, that it could just happen.”

Trying to break free from personal chains of oppression
Attempt to walk down the most worn path seems impossible
The thought—
Introspection makes me cringe.
Secrets are kept; not told
Shouldn’t fears be shown the same respect?

My views of reality teeter the fence as I attempt to escape from myself
Even my strength is starting to perspire
I must find a way…
find a way to stay.

Possibilities refrain as ultimatums remain
Primitive instincts always prevail
Within even the darkest of jungles and the deepest of night
There is always some sign of light…

I wish I could make my soul stop turning
Within the cracks of my surface that I bear so quietly
Saturate my inner desires
Let go, let go
Regret—show your face.
You and I are not mere strangers.

Checkmate.

The future and past are not one and the same
Nor does the present rest upon the latter
Each are elevated in its own degree of suspension
Separated for all of eternity, never to touch again.
My heartbeat is once again elated
Never again wanting to feel sedated
Finally broken free from the foliage
Permeated in my mind
How could we have been so unkind
Selfish, angry, wasteful, blind

Judge if you must
I don’t forsake lust.
For lust, my dear,
Is what brought us here.

The spark in your eye
Begs not for goodbye. 
When you whisper to me,
I fall to my knees.

You know not what you do,
Or the words you construe.
An eloquent touch of my skin
Is absolution from sin.

Two hearts into one,
My, we have just begun.
With each breath I exude
Tandem passions ensue,

Fall deeper with each glance,
It’s all a game of chance.
This diversion of amusement:
A steadfast event. 

I feel like I am locked inside. Inside a mind that is not mine. What will the judges come to find? Guilty, yet innocent of a crime. 
Lost is my poor soul. Lost with no parole. Longing to find a place to complete my role. Must console, must console.
If I looked within what would I find? The pain I so easily assigned? Or would I finally decline from the world I felt so clearly defined.  

This year I will: Conquer my fears. Be a better person. Wake up earlier. Be an inspiration to myself. Take more risks. Try harder. Rock climb more often. Go to more concerts. Find the time. Learn to cook. Become more independent. Eat well. Learn to properly use my awesome camera. Go camping. Be present in each moment. Follow through. Put my phone away. Learn to cope. Follow my own advice. Love. Let go. Understand.

 This year I will be less fearful and more brave. I will learn to approach life as a gallant fighter rather than compromise. This year I will learn to not only love, but love myself. This year, I will let nothing get in my way; I will succeed. 

People always want to believe they are the exception rather than the rule.  However, I can confidently say that you, (yes you) are the rule. Every single person in this world is another person’s rule. People walk around this earth thinking they are the best, the most individualistic, the most original, the most blah, blah whatever. The truth is- you’re not. You’re just as simple as everyone else. Now, before you get overly defensive and list all your amazing “different” qualities, just wait. While I believe everyone is acutely similar, I also believe there is someone on this earth you will meet, and that person will change you forever. You’ll no longer be this backward, basic person. You’ll be grandiose in comparison to others, and you’ll strut around town in the most ostentatious manner.

I say this because- for 99 percent of the population, you are the rule; but for that one percent, that one person, you become the exception. When you find that person that can look you directly in the eyes and an overwhelming sensation of affinity rushes over you, that’s when you know you are finally unprecedented to that person (just as you are to them).

So, people always say “be the rule, not the exception,” and find it disheartening when they come to find out their crush/boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t exactly the person they wished they would be; but I say- embrace it. That person isn’t good/the one for you? File it under “Good to Know” and move on, because when that one person walks into your life, you’ll know. Whether it be a stranger or someone who has been in front of you all along, the immediate familiarity is lightning fast and undeniable.